Rabia* was 20 years old when her parents married her off with her maternal cousin. Six years and three children later, she is back with her parents. Her husband has been having an affair for the past year, and he now wants to turn it into marriage. But the other woman will not marry him unless he leaves Rabia and their children.
He has sent Rabia the first notice of divorce through the union council. They have 90 days from the day the union council receives the divorce notice to reconcile. Otherwise, their marriage will be dissolved.
Rabia’s distraught family is requesting her in-laws to convince her husband from going through with the divorce. She will have to begin anew if the reconciliation efforts turn futile, but she will be left with nothing.
Rabia has only a high school diploma. Her parents believed that daughters do not need higher education to live their lives; they only need to marry early. Her husband and in-laws were not in favor of her having further education as well. After all, they said, women in their family do not do jobs.
Pakistan’s most recent census (2017) reveals that the country has 349,102 women above the age of 15 who are divorced. Last year Prime Minister Imran Khan — himself twice divorced — expressed concern over what he said were Pakistan’s rising divorce rates, but his government has yet to do anything to address the issue, much less help divorced women.
In patriarchal Pakistan, divorce is considered a stigma, especially for women. Yet divorce cases are rising and the trend has caught the attention of the local media. Last January, the newspaper, Dawn, reported that in 2020, 5,189 women applied for khula in family courts across Karachi — 722 percent more than the number of similar cases filed in the province in 2019. Meanwhile, the online site, Geo News, reported that over 2,900 cases of divorce were pending in the family courts of Rawalpindi in the Punjab province as of December 2020, even as “four to five new divorce cases” were being filed daily there.
Conditions created by the COVID-19 pandemic — such as couples being forced to spend more time at home together — have been blamed by some observers for the apparent rise in divorce filings in the past 18 months. The daily proximity has led to increased friction between spouses, or even abuse.
What may be more significant, however, is the number of women who are filing for divorce, even though it means that, like Rabia, they will likely be leaving the marriage without anything in their hands. Indeed, the little protection provided by the country’s family laws to women who get divorced are often overlooked by the women themselves and their families, in large part because they believe they will stay married for the rest of their lives.
A crucial document
Rabia, for instance, did not see her nikah nama before or after signing it. The nikah nama is a written document that a Muslim couple signs when entering into a civil union. Under the Muslim Family Laws Ordinance 1961, it is the legal evidence of their marriage and spells out their rights and obligations agreed upon by both parties. For Rabia, however, it was just a piece of paper that she had to sign. She did not know it had clauses that could have protected her rights in her marriage.
Lawyer Syeda Jugnoo Kazmi says that among these are the right to put conditions the bride deems necessary for the marriage, the right to divorce from her husband, and the right to restrict the husband from taking another wife. In fact, although Islam allows a Muslim man to have four wives at a time, Pakistan’s family laws require written permission from the first wife before the husband can marry again. In November 2019, a court in Lahore jailed a man for six months and fined him US$1,900 for marrying a second time without his wife’s permission.
Kazmi says, though, that women usually do not have a say in filling up the nikah nama. She notes, “The sections about their rights are often struck out completely before it (nikah nama) is taken to them for signing. They also do not read it. They even do not know what they are signing. They have to trust their parents, husband-to-be, and his family.”
This is not limited to any particular class, ethnicity, education, or background, she says. It happens all across the country. She tells her friends and clients to fill the nikah nama completely before the wedding. But, says the lawyer, this is often taken the wrong way by the men and their families. They think that by doing so, the couple is building the wrong foundation for the marriage.
It is only now that Rabia is realizing the nikah nama’s importance. Her parents should have filled all of its sections, she says. According to Rabia, her dower — what a Muslim man is obligated to give to his bride — was all of US$30. She could have legally stipulated more in cash or even gold in the nikah nama. Under the country’s family laws, wives are not entitled to get any financial support from their former husband upon divorce other than the dower. If a woman exercises her right to khula and takes her husband to court, she even has to return the dower to him.
Lawyer Kazmi agrees that Pakistan could do with stronger laws for women to protect their rights during marriage and after divorce. Until then, she says, people should at least be aware of the existing laws and use them fully for the sake of the women.
A working divorce
“Marriage changes everything in a woman’s life,” comments Ayesha (not her real name). “They tell you what you can do and what you cannot do. I was lucky enough to keep my job after marriage. Not every woman gets this lucky.”
Unlike Rabia, Ayesha has a master’s degree. She was working as a teacher at the time of her marriage. Her family had found her husband with a matchmaker’s help. An engineer by profession, Ayesha’s husband had been living and working in Canada for years. He told Ayesha and her parents that he would take her there once her documents are ready. Until then, she had to stay with her in-laws in Lahore. Ayesha never got to go to Canada; her husband divorced her after five years. They have a son, and he is all she got from the marriage.
“Men and their families tell women to leave whatever they had been doing before marriage and help them build their life,” Ayesha says. “Years later, they leave them as my ex-husband has left me. What do I have now? What security has my marriage provided me?”
“How many men pay mehr (dower)?” she asks. “They do not give it at all. If they do, they take it back saying they need it and would return, and then they forget about it.”
“Haq mehr does not provide any security to women,” Ayesha continues. “The average mehr in middle-class families is one to two lakh rupees (US$1,200) only. What security can this amount provide?”
She does not want to go to court to get her dower and child support from her ex-husband. She is employed. It is not a high-paying job, she says, but at least it enables her to support herself and her son.
Marriage only benefits men?
To journalist Sabahat Zakariya, the institution of marriage has been constructed solely for men and their families; the women and their families have just to obey them.
In March 2019, Zakariya had carried a placard around Aurat that read, “Divorced and happy.” She received severe backlash for her action, with her critics saying that she was promoting the divorce culture in society. But she remains unrepentant and defiant.
“Ideas about propriety and ‘bad omens’ keep families from discussing (important) things at the time of marriage,” she says. “Since a woman’s greatest destination is considered to be her marital home, everything is done to protect the people who are makers and providers of that home, i.e. the boy’s family.”
Zakariya adds, “I think the nikah nama is a piece of paper that provides little security in the absence of implementation of laws. Forget what’s written on the nikah nama, men openly flout actual laws. They marry a second time without the first wife’s permission and it is nearly impossible for the first wife to get justice in such a situation.”
She says that the greatest challenge for women in Pakistan is the lack of financial support after divorce. According to Zakariya, some form of alimony should be instated by the legal system for the non-earning member of the household so they can stand on their own feet after divorce.
Just recently, Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai, was severely criticized on Pakistani social media for her comments on marriage in her interview with Vogue magazine. She said that she does not understand why people have to get married.
“If you want to have a person in your life, why do you have to sign marriage papers?” the 24-year-old had wondered aloud. “Why can’t it just be a partnership?”
Malala’s comments caused an internet storm in Pakistan, with many saying that marriage is a sacred relationship, and Malala was promoting immorality with her remarks.
“Marriage is a sacred relationship but not in a society like ours,” Ayesha says, bristling. “Where does the sacredness of this relationship go when men and their families take dowry from the women? Doing so, they tell you that they cannot support you. You have to bring everything that you need. Where does the sacredness go when they abuse women? Where does the sacredness go when they leave women for no reason, not realizing how they (women) left their lives to build theirs?”
She says that she had grown up hearing and reading stories of women who had gotten divorced in Pakistan. “I just had no idea that I would meet the same fate,” she adds. “I am now back with my parents. I gave five years of my life to this marriage, and what did I get in return? Nothing. I am at the same point where I was before my marriage. It is even worst. I am a divorcee now. You know how big a taboo it is for a woman here.” ●
Tehreem Azeem is a journalist from Lahore, Pakistan.